If You Can Find a Better Man, I'd Like to Meet Him

Our friends Chris and Amber are getting married in September. Back in January, they said they wanted us to be in the wedding party. A couple of weeks ago, Chris offered me the serious and important post of Best Man. I'd always suspected that I was, in fact, the Best Man. But now I have proof.

My one real disappointment with my brother's shotgun wedding was that, due to its impromptu nature, I didn't really get to do the whole Best Man schtick. I didn't think I'd get the chance to be anybody's Best Man after that. But, rather than be forced to choose between his two brothers, Chris asked me to do it. And that totally rules.

According to the always-reliable Wikipedia, the post of Best Man originated with the German Goths in the Days of Yore, and his primary job was to fight off the bride's family while the groom was busy kidnapping her. So I guess I have to fight Amber's Dad or something. I think I can take him.

Other things I know about being a Best Man:
1. I'm supposed to take Chris to a strip club or sumpthin. They're getting married near Colorado Springs, though, and I think that at the strip clubs there, the womenfolk pull back their sleeves and raise their skirts to expose their wrists and ankles.
2. I'm supposed to make the first toast at the reception. I hope no one minds that it isn't going to be all canned and stupid like I gather they're supposed to be.
3. Jimmy Olsen was Clark Kent's Best Man when he married Lois Lane. I guess it would have looked kind of weird if it had been Batman.
4. According to this idiotic website, I'm supposed to provide cigars. I would be thoroughly pleased to do so...except that Chris has lousy taste in cigars, and would prefer a Swisher Sweet to a Macanudo. Maybe I'll get something good for people like myself with good taste, and some Dutch Masters or White Owls or some used coffee grounds wrapped in cardboard for others.
5. I look fuckin sweet in a tux.

That's all I got. Just remember, y'all...any man you can name is probably a pretty good man. But me? I'm the Best Man. And I have proof.