I Have Had It With The Motherfuckin Movie About the Motherfuckin Snakes on the Motherfuckin Plane

You can't manufacture "cult appeal." You can't just set out to make "so bad it's good." The makers of The Rocky Horror Picture Show didn't go to the set every day during filming discussing how great it was going to be when their project was a midnite movie in twenty years, beloved of freaks and weirdos across the land. Edward D. Wood, Jr. was convinced he was making high art, not something that would forever be known as the Worst Movie of All Time and be adoreded by lovers of bad cinema for generations to come. These are things that happen by accident, not design.

I love a Good Bad Movie as much as the next guy. Give me a six-pack and a DVD of Rocky IV and I'm a happy man for two hours. I have a finely honed appreciation of the early years of Schwarzenegger and I'll even gladly watch any Van Damme movie you can name. But goddamit, I just want Snakes on a Plane to go the fuck away.

The makers of this thing really were going to the set every day discussing their project's future as a cult favorite and a midnight movie. They really did set out to make "so bad it's good." And it just can't be manufactured. They're relying on Sam Jackson's ever-burgeoning resumé as one of Hollywood's great schlockmeisters and the ever-decreasing "hilarity" of their title to turn a tidy profit on opening weekend, and then the DVD sales and years on the midnight-movie circuit to turn their crapfest into a cash cow.

And let's make no bones about Sam Jackson. He's got bags and bags of charisma, no doubt. He's even capable of turning in a great performance when he feels like it. He will live forever in the annals of cinema just for his performance as Mister Señor Love Daddy in Do the Right Thing, a memorable part of one of the greatest movies ever, and that's the triple truth, Ruth. Take Sam Jackson out of Pulp Fiction and it's barely watchable at best. But the dude's a fucking whore. He'll do any movie if the producers wave a big enough check under his nose. Take a look at the credits on his IMDb page: Shaft. The Man. S.W.A.T. Deep Blue Sea. xXx. These are not good movies. But I bet he got paid a metric assload of money to do each one, because he has that certain way with the F-word. So much so that the absolutely baffling enormous and rabid internet fanbase of Snakes on a Plane demanded that Jackson utter, "I have had it with these mother-fuckin' snakes on this mother-fuckin' plane!" in the movie. And they got what they wanted.

That's what just kills me. Filmmakers are apparently now collaborating with the Dorito-munching, Mountain Dew-swilling, parents'-basement-living, Ain't It Cool News-reading (literally) unwashed masses that comprise Internet Geekdom. This disgusting blob is the leader of the cult that is apparently now responsible for the content of the latest Hollywood blockbusters. There was a funny list that made the e-mail rounds back in the day when Sam Jackson had been cast in the Star Wars prequels - "Top Ten Lines We Want to Hear Sam Jackson Say in the New Star Wars Movie," with items like, "Hand me my lightsaber - it's the one that says 'Bad Mother Fucker'" and "What ain't no planet I ever heard of! They speak Bocce on What?" But...let's give George Lucas some credit here, none of the dialogue in his movie was included at the behest of a gaggle of internet dorks.

Sure, I chuckled a bit when I heard that someone was making a movie entitled Snakes on a Plane. But the brief humor of the title didn't give me even the slightest desire to actually see the movie. But somehow there's a legion of people frothing at the mouth to see this movie based almost entirely on a vaguely funny title.

I want the movie to go away. I want the movie's pre-existing fans to go away. I want the movie-as-running-pop-culture-gag to go away ("What'll they call the sequel? Bears on a Boat?" Yes, very droll, you're the first person ever to think of that, you're a fucking comic genius, now go back to cruising MySpace for hot cheerleaders). I even kind of hate myself for throwing my voice into the inevitable-and-growing backlash, but I just had to rant about the stupidity of it all.

I'm getting on an airplane this afternoon. If I hear one person make a Snakes on a Plane joke, I'm going to have to take drastic measures. I'll simply have to reach back into my extensive knowledge of legitimate Good Bad Movies and go all Harrison Ford in Air Force One on his ass...

"GET OFF MY PLANE!"