Two MinutesThirty Seconds Hate

John McCain's campaign ads have been pretty dumb right from the start. I was kind of dumbfounded by his recent ad that began with '60s-era stock footage, rambling about the Summer of Love and then reminding us that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam, reassuring us that McCain wasn't one of those dirty hippies (which creates the rather odd implication that McCain is accusing Obama, who turned 8 in 1969, of being a dirty hippie). I was further appalled by his next ad, which pretty much directly accused Barack Obama of being personally responsible for rising gas prices and touting Bush's McCain's sole - and utterly fucking useless, by the way - "solution" to the energy crisis, more drilling.

But the McCain campaign has really gone completely around the bend this time, from "ordinary (if slightly off-kilter) political mudslinging" to "total batshit insanity." Have you seen this thing? I can't find an embeddable version of the ad all by itself anywhere - you can go see it at McCain's website, here: DUMBEST POLITICAL AD IN HISTORY (Fair Warning: Viewing this ad is almost guaranteed to make you throw up in your mouth a little).

You've probably seen it, though - or at least heard about it. In it, the McCain campaign manages to keep a straight face and earnestly compare Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

Just when I thought McCain couldn't create a stupider ad, couldn't do anything to make their man more unappealing to me...they go and do this. Nice work, McCain Crew. You've officially created the DUMBEST POLITICAL AD IN HISTORY. Watching this for the first time, you think it must be an unauthorized ad from some lunatic-fringe 527 group. Surely the fine political minds at the McCain campaign couldn't actually create THE DUMBEST POLITICAL AD IN HISTORY themselves, right? But then, at the end, the obligatory, "I'm John McCain, and I approved this message."

Is the McCain campaign even interested in having any voter under the age of 90 vote for their man? Does their entire campaign really amount to "Those damn kids today!"? Well, honestly, I kind of hope so. But...really, John? "Don't vote for Obama because he's popular, just like those tramps what with the drinking and the sex and the walking around in public without any drawers on! And get the hell off my lawn!"

Possible upcoming McCain ads:

"Barack Obama isn't even bothered by those damn kids today who wear their pants all sagged around their knees!"

"Barack Obama wants to let kids climb your fence and trample your garden to get their damn ball back, even though this is the fifth or sixth time it's come over your fence, what's the matter with them, anyway?"

"Barack Obama doesn't support legislation to prohibit anyone but sailors, motorcycle gangs and others of low moral fiber from getting tattoos!"

"Barack Obama doesn't even remember back when you could go to the movies for a nickel, and that included popcorn and a Coke!"

"Barack Obama listens to that rap stuff, it's not even really music, what happened to real music, anyway?"

"Barack Obama wants to let the damn kids today play video games on a perfectly beautiful afternoon instead of going out and getting some fresh air and sunshine!"

And maybe it's just me - honestly, I hope it's just me, because I'd like to think that even the Republican party has risen above this twenty years later - but it seems to me that the McCain ads are pulling a Willie Horton, darkening the images of Obama they're using to make him look "blacker."

I mean, it's not like I was ever going to vote for McCain. But the more ads he puts out, the more I go from indifference to dislike to actively despising him.